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IT’S IN FRENCH TOO SO ALL THEIR NAMES ARE IN FRENCH ON THE SIDE LIKE WE GO MISTER CRABS AND PATRICK
OKAY THIS MAKES SENSE EVERYTHING IS GOOD HERE THEN THERE IS SANDY AND GARY
THIS IS FINE AND THEN THERE IS SPONGEBOB
ALL GOOD SO WHERE IS THE PROBLEM?
I MEAN I JUST
YOU THINK OKAY ITS GONNA HAVE SQUID IN IT RIGHT?
NO INSTEAD YOU JUST GET
C A R L O
In German, he’s called Thaddäus Tentakel
all women were bigger and stronger than you
and thought they were smarter
women were the ones who started wars
too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos
and no K-Y Jelly
the state trooper
who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike
was a woman
and carried a gun
the ability to menstruate
was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs
your attractiveness to women depended
on the size of your penis
every time women saw you
they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
women were always making jokes
about how ugly penises are
and how bad sperm tastes
you had to explain what’s wrong with your car
to big sweaty women with greasy hands
who stared at your crotch
in a garage where you are surrounded
by posters of naked men with hard-ons
men’s magazines featured cover photos
of 14-year-old boys
tucked into the front of their jeans
and articles like:
“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”
“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”
“The truth about impotence”
the doctor who examined your prostate
was a woman
and called you “Honey”
you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath
as she insisted that sleeping with her
was part of the job
you couldn’t get away because
the company dress code required
you wear shoes
designed to keep you from running
And what if
after all that
women still wanted you
to love them.
the brilliant thing about being a woman is that I’m punished for both trusting and distrusting men!
I should magically know which man is going to harm me by having a brief conversation with him. if I trust Bad Men, then, well. I should’ve known.
if I don’t trust Nice Men though, I’m an utter bitch who deserves violence. don’t I know most men are good people?
I’m sayin doe….
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